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Weekday E​.​P

by Śēłf Hærm

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1.
M O N D AE Y 09:38
The way you carry yourself is heavy and burden Like my grandfathers leather suitcases that he only takes with him when he goes to church because any other time it would be uncalled for The attention brought onto you by the gifting of drinks is most defiantly uncalled for The holes in between my memory recall ideas of you and me with the spring breeze dancing with the leafs Watching them take form as if they were life themselves Playfully teasing God with their new found omnipotence And hey I'm the exact opposite of an omptimst but I'm omptmkzing my ability to appeal to you If it's the color of my hair that you don't fancy then let me dive into one of your paintings and pick out all of your favorite colors and I will die to dye my long dreads because I dread the thought of being unappealing to you When I look at you a see the best parts of myslef and I just can't help That Your beauty is loud and rearing like a drunker Baby I've been getting drunk off of my own fists because lately There's a lot of punch in the punch bowl and I revived a whole lot of rock from the rocking chair I know there's a race out there but maybe I'm the goose in this chase and I'm just Stuck between a rock in a hard place waiting for the tidal waves to wash my body 30 miles out west The sea will rinse me with its salt and make me brand new and clean for you So wrap your fingers around me as if eack digit was the last time we will ever get to say the number One is what I used to be Two is the sound of silence when crickets finally meet Three is the father son and holy spirt one in the same and one for all Four is the amount of children that will make me stand tall Five is the year in my life my father left and left his burdens that I unwillingly kept Six hours is the amount of sleep I get at night and how many times my mother asked me if I was playing with knifes Seven times seventy is how many times he's forgiven me and held me strong enough for the eight years I thought I wpuldent survive Love, at best I am another soon to be erased line in some Moody girls journal She wrote me down but softly because she wanted nothing of me to be permanit And that's fine because that's the last thing I want to be in this life Nobody's ever trying to keep anything permanite Our world is consumed by change, and alls I want to do is fork up my petty change from my worn out pockets and pay so I can keep you tucked away inside of mine Let my denime seep into your Dna and I'll protect you in the golden state of calirfnoa Or anywhere else you want to call a home Because my home is your heart My home is anywhere as long as we arnt apart I'll play my part and be your knight in shining armor I'll rescue you from your bedbugs and give you all the late night hugs in the world And if you need pep talks I'll pepper them into our daily conversation so our relationship doeint feel like one big therapy session Because ive been there I've had depression That mental regression of a recetion of all emotions till you are the husk of a person who may have existed at some point in time Time is the only thing of value I can really give you Time was the only thing that the last Kauai bird had The last of his species and the ending of a small family He spent his last hours singing A mating call as well as his swan song He sang four hours for a lover that would never call and then died on broken wings And lately I feel like I'm sailing on broken wings Because for how often you cross my mind I know I only preoccupy yours for a quarter of the time and that's fine Because you know better than I how often I frequent sleepless night You were the tides Ravaging my vessel with your Sunnday dress and flirtations eyes And every time I washed ashore I wished my body was as dead as it was on the inside Or at least just different Not so hopeless or pathetic I wish I could charm you as much as your siren song lured me I wished I could have been stronger to resit the feeling of being wanted But that's all I've ever wanted was to be wanted to be praise and be desired to feel higher and I am so tierd I sleep in a bed made for two My mother and father used to share it A king sized mattress Hiding the tale of the jester and his journey But without hesitation I throw myself back into your sea because I had grown so accustomed to the rhythmic motion of your oceans rocking me to sleep while I begin sinking Most nights I'm just sinking Or at least pretending to be breathing you were the only one who I could be my true self around You were the role of super glue and sutures when my life was just arts and crafts as I played depressions trophy wife So I want you to be happy And if I'm not part of that story so be it But know that every word you have ever said has been locked deep inside my head and even when I'm dead I'll remember the way you said I made you feel alive Because when you were high on life I was just high on you Using my emptiness to get us to a place where we wernt even happy but we were safe Safe from my fathers mistakes and your mothers hate I've learned that orphan hearts reach out to each other And give what they never received So I wanted to say thank you for turning oxygen into life again For making colors loud again For making me laugh when I wanted to cry and for reminding me that the sky Is no longer the limit Because sataliets orbit the earth just barely tethered by the earths gravitational pull And you know what Space wouldnet be such a lonely place of it had you. So thank you Thank you
2.
The building inside of me has become audible with its echos So large and vast A forest of concrete where my shoes meet the ground Expanding upon the endles horizon of where other lonely castles may set up their kingdoms No drawbridges lowered because theirs ash in the moat All of them seem very far away More time is spent remaining than recreating Creating a montage of our best moments except I cut out the frames with me in them because I never had any solidarity with you You could replace my silloute with anybody's else's shadow and nothing would change I don't change So manny people are viedo Streaming proudly across the cinema while I remain the same grainy photo Stuck with the same blank expression Exspressing the same thing I always have The master and slave complex is the idea that we need others to validate our own existence The master needs the slave to know what their hands command And the slave needs the master to know what they do with theirs And I don't even care which one I would be I just want to be one I just want to exist on some plain of reality regardless of how plain I might be Oh companiship Have you been in the depths of isolations Did you find truth? If you did, I'm ready to hear it Oh isolation Is love even worth it Is their a perfect girl Is her hair straight or does it have curls I'd drop myself in the desert for forty days and forty night even if demons will only talk to me When you go so long with the quiet you'll listen to anything I listen to recordings I taped in secret The dialogue of me and my friends singing at the top of our lungs to a song I soon forgot but I never forgot how the air left my lungs when we screamed haluiga to the gods that could never own us We kissed our mothers and father goodbye and marched individually into our own wars Combating the fears of grey hair and learning that we can't always be so carefree with what we dare My friends It's winter and Bombshells have been dropping in my rink dink bumper And I've been watching the falling ruble from my eyes stained with suit and I'm stumbling over the graves of soldiers who couldent sleep I only wish for you that you roll up your sleeves and get out your dresses for the summer And that the butterfly's inspire you to fly higher than any substance could ever take you Get in a hot air ballon and just float on Become the most modest mouse and be cozy in the cargo because the most rememberable guest are the uninvited ones Laugh at death and cry at the sight of the newborn Their small hands don't believe in a complex So don't complex yourself with cracks in the cement but thank god they don't actually break your mothers back That they don't break the back bone of who whacked you when your spine wasint straight because they wanted to teach you to be the beams that stayed after the crash I'll tell you my friends All of the words you've never heard Encyclopedias will be imbedded under your skin so you will always know the right things to say Don't let the silence hold you Don't be choke changed by your insacurtes in the opposite direction of god Don't let your youth be the explanation for your mistakes Don't let there be a difference between noise and the melodies we call music Because if we took the time to listen there must have been a reason Pretend that you are alive in the tone And those luminous sounds are the voice of god Don't be like me A branch that is barely saved from the flames Turning to ash all what we used to know I hate to say I'm the match Igniteing the fighting of the opposite oceans Thrashing aginst each other Both so set in their ways I can't tell the difference between passion and stubbornness anymore I try and forget about the cost of it all The coast of red coat hangers and the guilt that we hang ourselfs with Because at the end of the night I'm only halfway home Leaving breadcrumbs of my broken relationships I keep hoping someday someday will come and pick up the pieces Waiting for somebody to finally tell me what my picture is when I'm finally all put together To tell me how I make sense in this jigsaw of a relationship I want to be beautiful and still understand that I'm a mess Kinda like cursive Written sloppy but by golly Don't tell me That you can't read me Every word I've ever said has been an autobiography and the pages are just scattered in the ears of those who took the time to listen So listen when I tell you how much I miss you Listen to my quiet blaring blasphemy on how much we are connected Listen to when I say I love you I love you I love you
3.
W-//Ñš dÆ y---F°r KæTī E
4.
Places feel empty when items arnt preacupting the carpet space It's when you can see all four corners and you end up standing aginst one of them so that you can keep an eye on the other three Because if you don't watch them you feel like inch by inch they'll inch closer to each other and you'll find yourself closteephobed by the emptiness you never filled up When you place something inside where you sleep it takes on this identity It's no longer just a chair It's your chair It starts holding parts of you that you didint even know you gave it It's legs become stilts that hold you inches above the ground and it relishes in your company It's molded to the shape of your back and knows how to relieve its aches it was made By loving and firm hands Whos sees the woods as a forest of chairs, coffee tables, and loveseats They felt closer to Jesus because they know how hands become after they handle wood The handles on your door experience the sweetest sadness every time you cradle them Your hands are their home but they know that your touch means your parting The kind of sleight of hand goodbye that only a con artist could create Creating a world that you want to destroy so you stopped going outside Because outside is out there and out there is unfair They will throw us to the wolves im sorry that we ended up as sheeps my teeth were never sharp enough to bite flesh Kindness, can sometimes masquerade malicious intent so ive closed my eyes when meating strangers Instead I open up an old wound and hide inside of it pretending to go through the healing process again Breaking and mending again and again The process isn't even therapeutic anymore its just for recreation Recreating this hurt of the past to forget about the unpredictability of today Today The distance from the moon felt shorter As if the earth was telling it a secret so it leaned in But the earth,preacupied, and abiding its own time, continued to turn its head so the moon never heard what it said And i wonder how many times this has happened The earth will turn to the sun and the morning will bestow upon me my sword and cruel realities to thrust at I will be hurt I will be outside I want to die and then be reborn Not into something different but just to say i did it i want to kiss every star in the universe and ask them if they can flash their light in my inside to give some insight on this shredded up mess inside of and if it will ever be straightened out again I snagged myself somewhere along the line and ive been unravling everywhere i go, cutting myself on the people i meet and watching my bolts fall on the street Melancholy mechanical, I wonder where I'm marching Ive been intoxicated on the idea of fake wings,able to take me anywhere but here But im worried the glue between me and you will melt and i will plumit into collective sorrows i m beginig to sprout these feathers, but please dont call me iceraus yet Theres a theory that time is like a circle And that may explain why our tomorrows are just chasing yesterday Why do you think youve never seen a square clock lost somewhere between our life and my life I watch the world walk the one way tight rope of meaning To hold closely our sene of resson, we will let our migraines strain against the reality that we could easily ignore And our feelings will bear their fangs inside what we choose to intake Enticing our outcomes to be littile more than mistakes left unsaid So we busy ourselfs with breaking bread and burying our dead In the dirt we all look the same People Are living breathing pieces of art And we are all paiting strokes on eachother We will go misunderstood with the breath we take but when we finally rest they will speak boldy of our colors And they to will go their whole lives without understanding anyone Humans are the only things capable of grasping hope When we sit in the darkness of tonight we will dream of the sunrise tomorrow I know i've been down on my knees lately But i won't lie down and die like a dog When things are happening When this world ismaking sounds that i cant compreheand When im outside Lace our hearts with twine and in time your heart beat will be the song that guides my feet to your robe Your robe in my home Im not ready but ill fight the good fight My legs are broken but ill finish this race And even when i get tierd and stop to turn around I know that nothing behind me is going to help me As i retain this humble human form of mine Will i ever be able to enjoy being awake instead of in a dream As i retain this humble human form of mine Just exactly how long will i be able to walk on my own
5.
Throughout all my whining and complaining It occurred to me that you may think that I see this world as straing While the chain around my neck makes me feel like old yeller let me tell yah I have been a sucker for the ocean lines and half the time I'm just singing sweet Emery I love where the sea meets the land her and I make the best of friends I'd make her my own And I would float in her waves She will sing me to sleep and carry me away Away to house party's filled with friends and family's And we will all kick off our shoes and tap dance to the mouse on the keyboard So eager as he runs over the black and white tile space Eager to please his guest of friendly faces All that he chases Is a place where he can fall comfortably in love with the cracks in our walls Flaws and all We all just want to be the noise inside of someone else's wall I adore you sweetly so let me type Morse code in the corner of your cabin and let me tell you all that your branches that have yet to blossom are just waiting for the hospitality of spring to come so that their leafs can someday spread their wings and soar gently to the ground Don't be so afraid of dying I spent all of my youth trying to put comprehension On why my body shouldn't enter suspension from the ceiling fan blades My trick of the trade Has been learning to throw haste with pace and to cut to the chase And I realized that we are all just chasing death Running so quickly across these streets the concrete provides our trail where we get so foucused on the finish line that we forgot why we are racing Facing mirrors every day Watching your aging face make canyons where plains used to be Seeing the sparkle in your eyes have it's final shimer and then explode into the dull Your pupils are the endlessness of space,that's why lovers get lost in them It's just hard to believe that left and right the stars in the sky are slowly but surly disappearing We are so fearing of what lays beyond this earth that we curse the soil that our fathers toiled over in the idea that all roads lead to the grave Please just stay And watch the spine of a man who works with his hands and notice how it starts Bending like a tree giving heed to the wind because fighting against a restless force only makes you tired before you fall Watch his legs continue to climb over the Eremqrkqble mistakes he used to make because he knows that all growing hurts so he continues marching up And it's not important as to what he finds up top or if he even gets there It's important that he died climbing That he never stopped trying That everyone told him it's impossible to move mountains And that he always responded with I am the mountain,and I've been sprinting all my life I don't want you to pretend like you don't have faults We are all unfinished train tracks with a conductor acelraring a box car filled with people we don't want to let down We don't know what to do when they finally derail What do we do when all these ships sail And we are left on the island What happens after the illusion of a busy day and Sisyphus rock falls back down Do you pack up your weapons and head home "Not to blurt but I got hurt so pray for me at church. I'll be hiding in a cave " Sometimes I wish I never left the cave because I never knew how cold I was till I felt the heat of his breath filling up my lungs I never knew how foggy it was in these quit hills till his voice came rolling out like thunder on these city scapes Illuminating a world I never thought to understand Because without him you'll know how cold you are Without him you'll know why it's so dark My friends there are going to be days where you feel the heart beat of every new born pounding violently agesnt your ribcage and there will be the days where you will feel the rushing rivers of mothers listing to their soldiers silent drum fading into another war memorial With your hands you will strangle life and sometimes it will pin yours against the wall You can walk pretty far with your humble human form But never as far as you want I know you can feel the friction of your fiction Slowly wearing thin your yarn of how you alone can withstand How terrible to realize you are only a man But blessed to feel everything so deeply I want to feel the good lord in the pit of my stomach fighting my fears tooth and nail and I want the noise to rattle up through my throat and out my tongue so just by my words alone You are drowning in the sound of his fight I want him nestled so tightly in between my ribcage With the right draps The right frames The right paints We could really make his home pretty My dearest lord What a great day to spend in doors The light inside may fuel my human mind but all I want it to be in with you in my insides my sides I want you to play calamba with my ribcage and hum that number 99 into my mind Just as I am your son Rip out my tendons to I can reach out closer to you

about

made through a time of severe loneliness and hope. saved by the good lord. amen

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released December 11, 2016

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about

Śēłf Hærm Boise, Idaho

In mothers womb you were asked, "do you believe in life after delivery"? And you said "nonsense, the womb is all I've know, Mother herself mostly likely does not exist" but you feel her, and sometimes when you listen really hard, you can hear her loving voice, calling down from above you. The umbilical cord supply's you with all that you need. All that you need.















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